no protection

shrink-lady today.

i used to make this joke about George W and his "I'm the decider" schtick, that I was going to write a self-help book about using that phrase to improve your life. Or more accurately, it was a diet - that's it. Am I gonna eat that ice cream? I'M the decider! No way! I'm the DECIDEr. Although I think in my routine i extrapolated to dating, jobs, etc.

What's sort of horrible is that W might have been on to something. I can only trust that we're using the same word in different ways. Because somehow i found the exact right phrasing today... I made the decision that I don't need to protect myself anymore. Shrink-lady said, You choose to trust. And I said yes, but for me to really understand it right now, i have to phrase it in terms of protecting myself. I am ALWAYS on the defensive. I am continually engaged in the struggle that I anticipate. I don't even need it to show up - i'm struggling anyhow. i anticipate the need to protect myself. I'm struggling before anything happens.

I can feel the tension go out of my body - my shoulders actually drop down from that position up near my ears. I have made the decision not to struggle anymore. Life is gonna come through for me. Abundance.

Wow, that sounds really sappy. But it's where I've been trying to get for a long time.