that certain recovery program

Two and a half months back in.

My heart is not in it but my head tells me to keep going. I asked someone to be my temporary sponsor two weeks ago, and she told me to start writing about this. About my "recovery." I told her I don't write unless I'm getting paid. I resisted. One of the few things I can resist, I suppose - being told what to do, even if it might be good for me. The fact is, I'm fucking lazy, and I just want Recovery to come to me nice and easy like it did the first time i came in some fifteen, sixteen years ago.

But Recovery is not cooperating.

I am staying sober one day at a time (argh! a slogan!) and if I wasn't on anti-depressants I don't think that particular rubric would work, but the memory of that last horrible horrible hangover, courtesy of Celexa, keeps me out of trouble for now. I think about having a drink nearly every day. I think about calling the dealer a couple times a week. I don't do these things. I go to meetings and bitch about how hard it is and I actually call my temporary sponsor almost daily, which is something I never did in the past when I was a shining example of sobriety, and I am aware that I am aware of the need to work at this because it is not just coming to me this time. If I don't want to fuck up my life completely, I'm actually going to have to work at this.

And powerlift a shitload of disbelief.