returning

went out over the holidays. ten short days, and drinking wasn't the real issue. it was the glorious white powder. and i'm grateful i did it, because i REALLY came face-to-face with my powerlessness this time, as i blasted through 3 grams in less than 24 hours - possibly a personal record - and then i finished the shit off, went to a party, had some tequila, drove the girlie and i home and stopped to pick up the pizza i'd ordered...

and saw my bank in the distance and thought, i could call my dealer now and then hit the bank for some cash and get home in time to get some more and do some more and stay up again for no reason but just to have it again...

with my kid in the back seat.

so if you ask me if i'm done, yeah, i'm done. i'm back at AA with no conditions. I had a lot of conditions when i went back in September, but i can't afford them now. The group can be my higher power. i'm phoning people. and i'm writing this again.

so that's that. i got in touch with my old sponsor, and made an amend to her when i've been thinking for years that she owes me one. so that felt good.

and oh yeah. I had a facelift and an eyejob, which was a decision i made shortly after the anti-depressants kicked in months ago, and i can tell you, i have no regrets. there's still some soreness in the neck/throat area, but it's healed really well, and i look less and less like Mickey Rourke every day. (seriously. the first day was Not Good in that respect). It'll still be swollen for a couple months, apparently, but i think i can see how it'll be, and i gotta say, the outside matches the inside better.

OK. I'll post tomorrow about my weekend of crying non-stop about jobs i'm not getting.