When the third cat went missing, I didn't care and didn't look. Previous experience, his habits, told me he'd been hit by a car and was dead somewhere. But I didn't even think about my daughter and how it would affect her. I didn't think about how cold I must have seemed. Was. Because his death/disappearance was a convenience... I didn't want three cats anymore. And now I didn't.
Songs about a cat named Virtue, sung by the Weakerthans, wrench my heart and bring me to tears, but poor B... he got nothing from me, while my girl wrote notes to an invisible fairy and asked he be given a second chance.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
returning
went out over the holidays. ten short days, and drinking wasn't the real issue. it was the glorious white powder. and i'm grateful i did it, because i REALLY came face-to-face with my powerlessness this time, as i blasted through 3 grams in less than 24 hours - possibly a personal record - and then i finished the shit off, went to a party, had some tequila, drove the girlie and i home and stopped to pick up the pizza i'd ordered...
and saw my bank in the distance and thought, i could call my dealer now and then hit the bank for some cash and get home in time to get some more and do some more and stay up again for no reason but just to have it again...
with my kid in the back seat.
so if you ask me if i'm done, yeah, i'm done. i'm back at AA with no conditions. I had a lot of conditions when i went back in September, but i can't afford them now. The group can be my higher power. i'm phoning people. and i'm writing this again.
so that's that. i got in touch with my old sponsor, and made an amend to her when i've been thinking for years that she owes me one. so that felt good.
and oh yeah. I had a facelift and an eyejob, which was a decision i made shortly after the anti-depressants kicked in months ago, and i can tell you, i have no regrets. there's still some soreness in the neck/throat area, but it's healed really well, and i look less and less like Mickey Rourke every day. (seriously. the first day was Not Good in that respect). It'll still be swollen for a couple months, apparently, but i think i can see how it'll be, and i gotta say, the outside matches the inside better.
OK. I'll post tomorrow about my weekend of crying non-stop about jobs i'm not getting.
and saw my bank in the distance and thought, i could call my dealer now and then hit the bank for some cash and get home in time to get some more and do some more and stay up again for no reason but just to have it again...
with my kid in the back seat.
so if you ask me if i'm done, yeah, i'm done. i'm back at AA with no conditions. I had a lot of conditions when i went back in September, but i can't afford them now. The group can be my higher power. i'm phoning people. and i'm writing this again.
so that's that. i got in touch with my old sponsor, and made an amend to her when i've been thinking for years that she owes me one. so that felt good.
and oh yeah. I had a facelift and an eyejob, which was a decision i made shortly after the anti-depressants kicked in months ago, and i can tell you, i have no regrets. there's still some soreness in the neck/throat area, but it's healed really well, and i look less and less like Mickey Rourke every day. (seriously. the first day was Not Good in that respect). It'll still be swollen for a couple months, apparently, but i think i can see how it'll be, and i gotta say, the outside matches the inside better.
OK. I'll post tomorrow about my weekend of crying non-stop about jobs i'm not getting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)